1. Acceptance - I accepted your passing right from the start, or so I thought. When I first got the news, I was stunned, but not surprised. I knew you hadn't been doing well, and weren't willing to do anything about it, which frustrated me. But even though I knew this, there have been days when I think of you being at home in your condo, just like always, then reality hits. Is there ever a sense of acceptance when the loss could most likely have been prevented?
2. Experience the pain - I didn't want to process my feelings; I'm not very good in that department. I don't like to 'feel' things, I would just rather process what has happened and move on. When I first got the news, I went about the task of helping prepare your funeral service. I contributed where I felt I should, and hoped it would come together in a way that would honor your memory. I held my feelings in check throughout that time, but I ended up breaking down one day in the shower; I had a long cry, one that was very much needed and overdue. I still feel sorrow, and also feel some guilt.
3. Adjust - I know that you are no longer with us, and that you're in a much better place. Knowing that you're in heaven with Granddad and your older brother reminds me that this earth is not our final resting place; we have better things in store for us after we leave this life behind. Even though I miss you being here with us, I find comfort in knowing that I will one day see you again in heaven.
4. Move on - I'm glad the holiday has passed; it just wasn't the same this year. It is now a new year; just more passing of time. Life does go on; it may never be quite the same, but the clock keeps on ticking and daily life continues... but I still miss you.
You affected people's lives even though you thought you never did. There has been, and still is, much sorrow over your passing. I wish you had known just how much you meant to so many people. Even though I'm not one to show my feelings, and found it hard to say, I hope in some way you knew, and know it now... I love you, Dad... I look forward to seeing you again in heaven one day.
Love always,
Lesa
